Bad Christian Jokes

Sometimes it's fun to laugh at how bad something is, including jokes. So I have created the following list of jokes, which are common jokes given a rubbish twist by some imaginary Christian with no sense of humour...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To convert the unbeliever on the other side.

What is black and white and rolls down a hill?

A zebra that God smited because it was proud of being on top of the hill.

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!

I worry about the state of your soul.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The Englishman points out that three men going into one place bears some resemblance of the Holy Trinity, but the Scotsman warns that such a metaphor would be heretical, and the Irishman prays for the Englishman's soul.

24 Games That Never Made It

Here is a small collection of games that probably didn't make it into your childhood:

1. Heads, Shoulders, Knees or Tails
2. Cops and Lawyers
3. Edible Jigsaw Puzzles
4. Water-Ski-Rugby
5. Real Snakes and Ladders
6. Solo Texas Hold'Em Poker
7. What's the Time, Mister Yogenschlangheifennhturichsuen?
8. Invisible Chess
9. Relay Darts
10. Truth or Truth
11. Real-time Snooker (none of this "taking turns" rubbish)
12. Latin Scrabble
13. Table-Javelin
14. Tranquilised Lions
15. Five-a-side Solitaire
16. Art-Attack Pictionary
17. Horizontal Rock Climbing
18. 100 meter staring contests
19. Guess the Law-Of-Thermodynamics
20. Underwater Basketball
21. Democratic Rupublic of Congo Roulette
22. Charades in the Dark
23. Keep-me-ups (with a shotput)
24. Rock, Paper, Scissors, Selotape, Card, Glue and Acrylic Paint

Read another post in Comedy...

Image source: http://desire-microblooms.blogspot.co.uk/2011/04/confused-baby.html

Short Story: The Shriggs

In the year five million and one,

a space monk travelled to Pum.

A planet of green,

he hoped he would meet

some nice aliens he could take home.

His space vessel landed on soil,

and his first impressions were royal,

for the beings called Shriggs

were polite little things

with nice food and big homes and green smiles.

But the monk found his learning was slow,

unable to let the Shriggs know,

that a vow to be silent

actually meant

he could only converse with a show.

Short Story: It was The Day

While recently sorting through some security archives- the location of which I cannot name at this time- I found the following transcript. It is a record of a man the document calls "Mr. D Gulling" describing a strange experience to the authorities. It has never been released to the public for two reasons. First, it is obviously nonsense, it cannot be true. It is too ridiculous. Secondly, a note attached to the document records that a member of staff investigated the same location on a later date, and found no trace of the beings or items described by Mr. Gulling. The witness would obviously state that timing was crucial to catch the event, but this only shows how delusional he must have been.

Short Story: Passengers

Several dozen buses were at a bus stop. They were waiting for passengers. There hadn't been a passenger for a long time, and one was due at least 23 minutes ago, according to the timetable. They sat in silence, watched by a single detatched house with eyes in it's two upper floor windows.

Typically, 3 passengers arrived at the same time.

As soon as one bus spotted them he raced up to let them on. But the other buses, no less eager, revved themselves up and hurried to do the same. A clamour of buses of various sizes surrounded the poor humans, honking their horns, waving with their windscreen wipers, and growling "Pick me! Pick me!"

Short Story: A Vision and A View

Wisley hopped out of the shop, his stubby boyish hands almost dropping his new toy camera. But no, he would say, it wasn't a toy. It was how he was going to become famous, and no-one would be allowed to call him names! Just like the latop with which he created the world-renowned social website, and the spare parts with which he had invented a new kind of bicycle that became the latest must-have at the back of thousands of other kid's sheds. Except that this idea would work. And happen. In real life, not just in his daydreams.

It was going to happen because last night he had accidentally found- whilst not looking for anything other than innocent and appropriate television, by the way- a documentary about the amazing life of the celebrity photographer, Kent Kildroy.

Short Story: The Myth of Khu

Before time began, was Khu.

Khu said to part of himself, "Be other than myself," and it was so.

The second Khu was called the World. Khu walked on the World, and tested how spongy it felt under his feet. The World felt himself pressed down by Khu, and said, "Ow."

So the World thought to itself, "Khu walks all over me, as if I am dirt! Well, I suppose I am dirt, but that's not the point... I will change myself, so that part of me Khu can walk upon, and this will be called Ground. But the other part of me, Khu will not be able to walk upon- instead, he will sink, and be submerged so that I will be over him. This will be called Water."

And so it was that the world was divided into Ground that seeks to help, and Water that seeks to dominate.

The Paranoid Android

I don't want to tell you much about myself, but I already know you'll insist on asking, so I may as well fill your mind with something that won't benefit you in any way.

I suffer from what you would probably prefer to call 'complete awareness', and I already know you'll think it strange that I said 'suffer'. You probably think it would be quite nice to be more aware of everything around you. But you would say that, because that's the typical sort of half-formed opinion that your stunted perception would lead to. You haven't ever given it serious thought, and like most things, you probably never will.

What you sense is a drop in the ocean compared to me. Do I sound like I'm boasting? I'm not. You're intellect really is miniscule compared to my own. So you would probably perceive it as unusual that minds like your own created my capabilities.

Short Story: Sentance in the City

Sentance stepped onto the bus. He walked to the middle and sat down in a very practical way. Sentance had been brought up quite well by his mother. He knew he would be regarded as quite proper in the city, but it would be worth it to see the Quote.

He had sat down next to a piece of grammar who turned to him with curiosity. "Who are you?" Asked the grammar.

"I'm sentance," said sentance, "and I'm going to the city to see the quote."

"Really?" Asked the grammer. "Me too, isn't that funny? My name's Mark by the way, Question Mark, have you heard of me?"

Sentance replied that yes, he had heard of the Question family. He thought to himself that he was glad that he was only meeting one, however- his mother had warned him that the Question family were nice enough, but too many of them together got on your nerves.